Letter to a New Mother: There is Grace

Last night I went to a party for another expat here who is about to be a mother for the first time - to a 12 year old girl. "Jen" is a single woman courageously stepping out in faith to adopt her daughter from our host country before she ages out of the system and is ineligible for adoption. It was a beautiful celebration.

We had been asked to write a note of encouragement, but I felt ridiculous trying to offer encouragement to someone in such a different place than I have ever been in as a mother.  Then as I thought about it I realized we are not so different after all. Our particular circumstances of entering into motherhood are wildly disparate, yet our position in motherhood is exactly the same. We are both completely desperate for God's grace to cover us and our children. And I wanted to her to know - the grace we need, it is there and it is abundant.

So I may have gotten a little carried away with my "note" but I was overflowing with the hope of this truth. And since I need to hear it again and again, I was really writing to myself as well as my friend. And to all new mothers, or not-so-new mothers, like myself.  THERE IS GRACE.

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Dear Jen, 

It’s kind of funny to be in this position – a mother of 8.5 years to four children attempting to offer encouragement to a new mother… whose soon to arrive daughter is older than my oldest!  You are in a unique position entering into motherhood for many reasons and there is so much that the mothers surrounding you do not know about it. But here is one thing we all know well and can testify to, and it is the greatest encouragement there is to give or receive – there is GRACE. 

As in all areas of life, our only hope is in the grace of God. This can be a relief – “Whew! It’s not all up to me!” And it can be a big panic – “Wait… you mean I don’t have any control over this?!?” As a mother my greatest struggle is wanting to control life so that my children are protected and cared for perfectly and so that they grow to embrace the Truth and follow it with their whole lives. But I can’t control any of these things – and it kills me. And not only that, I see the things I want to protect them from coming from myself – impatience, judgment, dismissal, inattentiveness. My sinful, selfish nature is challenged and put through the refining fire by the constant need that calls me to deny myself and put another (or several others) before myself and it brings out the dross – often in ways that are very visible and impacting to these little people that I love so fiercely. And I am overwhelmed and undone.

God, I want the best for these children and I’m giving them the worst! I can’t do this! I can’t be present all the time and I can’t guarantee their safety. I can’t see into their hearts to understand what is going on there, what the needs are, much less change their hearts and bestow an understanding of who you are. I can’t even protect them from myself and my impatience and fear and selfishness! I can’t give enough; I can’t BE enough!

EXACTLY. We can never be enough. It is in the moment that we acknowledge and accept this that grace becomes a relief instead of a threat.  Grace doesn’t take away any control from us; there was never any control in the first place. It was only an illusion. When we can see past that illusion and let go of it, THEN grace comes swooping in, a blessed relief. 

In my experience, there is nothing like motherhood to bring you to the end of yourself and show you just how not-in-control and desperate for God’s grace that you are. That can be a miserable place or a refreshing place. For me personally it is usually the first place before I arrive at the second place. But, O, how sweet the relief when I let it go and put my trust once again where it has always belonged – with the Trustworthy, Faithful One.

He is FOR you, Jen, and for Anna.  HE is in control, so you don’t have to be. HE is enough, so you don’t have to be. That doesn’t mean that what you do doesn’t matter – incredibly, He chooses to use us, to let us be a part of what He is doing. But He doesn’t depend on you.  He is not waiting for you to hold up your end of the bargain – that defies the very essence of grace, which is FREE. There is freedom and rest in this. He holds you both, tenderly and full of love. “Underneath are the everlasting arms.” (Deut. 33:27)

With you and for you,
Laura 

PS. My favorite parenting book is not a parenting book at all, but a book that has opened my eyes to God’s grace like no other book ever has – “One Way Love: Inexhaustible Grace for an Exhausted World” by Tullian Tchividjian (Billy Graham’s grandson). A very easy read and full of HOPE.

The Flip Side: What Life Looks Like for the SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) Overseas

Just about the same as the SAHM in the US. The End.

Ok, that’s not completely true.  Obviously there are many little differences, like my Wal-Mart sells dried smashed pig faces and yours doesn’t.  (Squash that envy, friends.) And because we are so glamorous we have dozens of people taking our pictures and plaguing us with questions every time we go out.  IT IS SO FUN. (Please pick up on my sarcasm here.)

But other than that, and an extra language in my tool-belt (or half of one, WHATEVER) it really looks a lot the same.  And sometimes I’m disappointed – I was expecting more excitement. (The kind that doesn’t involve bodily fluids.) And sometimes I’m ashamed – that’s not why we were sent here. I could do laundry, homeschool, and be introverted in the US. And sometimes I’m jealous – Brett is all learning an unwritten language and making all sorts of thrilling discoveries (right, babe?) and I’m… cooking dinner. From scratch. Again. Because I’ve finally resigned myself to the fact that families need to eat like ev.er.y.day.  And there’s no frozen pizza on this side of the world. Or packaged tortillas. 

So what does my average day look like? I get up in the morning a little before the kids, or try to, for a few quiet minutes to read the Word with my brain intact and to beg for grace. Then, bam!, the day is my face like a mother whose kid was nearly hit by a motorbike (to give a completely non-personal example.) It’s something like a cross between a dance cardio aerobic routine and a juggling lesson peppered with “teachable moments” where I struggle to move beyond behavior modification to heart attitudes while cleaning the baby’s spit-up and speaking in another language to our helper. 

And at the end of the day I look at my cold, un-drunk cup of coffee and think, “I haven’t even been out of my house all day, my language level is declining rapidly now that I am homeschooling instead of studying, and I haven’t invited my neighbor over in months. What am I doing here??? What should I be doing here?” 

There are so many points that go into the answer to this question, but here’s the one that has been on my mind the last few weeks:  I just need to be faithful in the small things. Most likely we are not called to completely throw out our daily routine. We are still supposed to cook and eat, teach and clean, go to work and get the car washed. We can and should do all of these things for God’s glory, trusting for His grace to supply all of our needs and enjoying His presence in our lives through it all.

 BUT part of doing all these things “for God’s glory” consists in living our normal, daily lives very intentionally “on mission.”  On mission to display and proclaim the gospel to our children, the closest little disciples we will ever have. On mission to train them to obey the commands of God that we teach them.  On mission to open our lives to relationships with the people all around us who need an ambassador to represent Jesus’ ministry of reconciliation to them.  On mission to live transparent and vulnerable lives before them, not holding them at arm’s length, but inviting them into our mess and likewise entering into their struggles and pain.  

This is no different overseas from being “at home” in the US.  I’d wager no one is knocking on your door asking what your hope for eternity is, and neither is anyone doing that on this side of the world. At least not at my house.  And as for intentionally discipling our children, thanks to VPNs we have Facebook as a blessing/distraction over here, too. 

 So… faithfulness in the small things. It means putting Facebook/Instagram/Twitter down and dealing with my son’s reason for falling apart instead of just sending him to time-out or taking away his video.  It means speaking to the insecurity that lurks behind my daughter’s meltdown over math rather than threatening dire consequences if she doesn’t get herself under control “right now” so we can move on with our homeschool. It means studying language while feeding the baby rather than just browsing Pinterest.  It means taking a big gulp and calling my friend up to invite her over to learn to bake the cake she was interested in and then preparing how to explain to her that my faith is more than a set of the “rules” she is so inquisitive about.  Even if it means that I lose some of my precious down time. It means choosing to engage in conversation with the stylist when I get I get my hair cut rather than just zoning out and enjoying a quiet moment. (I know, for some of you that is like breathing, but for an introvert this is BIG STUFF.) 

In other words, moving overseas didn’t make me extroverted, brave, extra energetic, or more patient, and it certainly didn’t make me less busy with daily life so that I find myself with extra time to reach out because I have nothing else to do.  So there you have it – my life looks pretty much like the homeschool mom in the US. Cram packed with survival that can be aimlessly surfed to the end of the day or infused with intentionality so that I am living “on mission.” This is true whether I’m “just” cooking dinner or embarking on an adventure to see my friends in the village or answering my friends’ questions about my faith. 

What about you? What are the little things that comprise “living on mission” in your life currently? Does it mean taking your kids out to play in the front yard instead of in the back behind a fence? Or even going to the park? Does it mean taking a break from Facebook for lent? Inviting the neighbors or a co-worker over for a casual cookout? Or tutoring refugees in English twice a month? 

Maybe whatever it is doesn’t seem “big” enough, but PRAISE GOD that He does not despise the day of small beginnings and that He commends faithfulness in the little things. (Zech. 4:10, Matt. 25:14-28) Whatever our current situation in life, by God’s grace let’s intentionally live it out “on mission!”

Persecuted, but NOT Abandoned

These words jumped off the page at me a few mornings ago as I read them afresh in light of recent events and my own fears regarding the world my children will face as they grow up. They leapt into my heart imbued with the precious gift of hope. Our dear brothers and sisters around the world who are in the news lately for facing the most extreme form of persecution for their faith – they are not abandoned! God is with them, in their midst, indwelling them. He is their strength. He shines through them. Though their very lives are taken, not a hair on their head is harmed. Though they are struck down, they are NOT destroyed!

This is not to make light of their suffering. It is heavy and atrocious and we certainly must plead for them in prayer. But our prayers need not be the wailing of those with no hope. We must not esteem our enemy as greater than he is. Though he thrashes about in his defeat, inflicting as much harm as he can before being restrained forever, he can never inflict a wound greater than our Savior’s ability to heal. He can never impose a suffering weightier than the glory that it achieves for the blood-bought child of the King. Even in unbearable persecution there is One who upholds the weak, the downtrodden, the oppressed, the martyr. And He redeems. He redeems our souls, yes, and He even redeems our suffering.

When we pray for these dear ones certainly let us ask for their freedom, for their comfort, for their rescue. But let us also pray for their faith and for strength to hold fast to the God who supplies all their needs according to HIS glorious riches. Let us ask for God to supply them with eyes of faith that look at the unseen, glorious eternity before them rather than the very visible, very painful, but blessedly temporary suffering that they endure. Let us ask for this hope – because such a well-placed hope does not disappoint. And friends, though our trials may look very different, it will not disappoint us either.

The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.

Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.

Sing praises to the LORD, enthroned in Zion; proclaim among the nations what he has done.

For he who avenges blood remembers; he does not ignore the cry of the afflicted.

The wicked return to the grave, all the nations that forget God.

But the needy will not always be forgotten, nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish.

Arise, O LORD, let not man triumph; let the nations be judged in your presence.

Strike them with terror, O LORD; let the nations know they are but men.

Selah

Pslam 9:9-12, 17-20 (NIV)